| Saturday, October 10, 2009 |
| Panahon. |
| Iba ang buhay sa Maynila sa buhay sa probinsya. Hindi ito bagong ideya sa marami. Alam ko ito. Isa ako sa mga pruweba na magkaiba nga sila.
Mabilis ang takbo ng oras sa Maynila. Hindi mo na nga namamalayan ang pagtakbo nito. Minsan gusto mo na lang habulin at sabihing, 'Teka lang naman! Di pa ako tapos e!' Pero hindi e. Kailangan sumabay sa agos. Kailangan mo laging maging handa sa bilis ng pagtakbo nito.
Tumingin ako ng mga litrato mula nung first year, first week, college. Maraming nang nagbago. Totoo yan. Nabibilib ako sa takbo ng buhay ng tao. Oo, mabilis ang oras pero sadyang maraming nagagawa kahit sa gaano man ito kabilis.
Marami nang nagbago. Sobra. Ang iba ay payat noon at ngayon naman ay may laman na. Meron din namang mga may laman noon na payat na ngayon. May mga nagkakagustuhan noon na ngayon ay wala nang nararamdaman para sa isa't isa. Meron din namang parang ayaw sa isa't isa noon at ngayon ay sila na at nagtatagal pa sila. Ang mga 'di inaakalang mabubuong pagtitinginan noon ay nagaganap na ngayon. Totoo nga. Nagbabago ang mga tao. Tulad ng sabi ng isang kaibigan sa kanyang isinulat, "Sometimes, change happens because it can." Tama. Oo nga.
Marami na ring mga bagay na nangyari. Sa aking pagtingin sa mga litrato, nakita ko ang iba't ibang mga pangyayari. Sa akin pa lang, hindi ko na mabilang ang mga pangyayari. Meron pa nga na hindi ko na maalala kung ano. Nandiyan ang nagkaroon ng boyfriend nung first year at sobrang kilig dahil sakanya at siyempre ang pag-iyak nang mawala ito ng hindi inaasahan. Ang pagdamay ng mga kaibigan mula umpisa hanggang tuluyan ng nakalimot sa naramdaman. Meron ding mga 'first times' tulad ng pag-inom nung first year. Noo'y takot pa kami at hiyang magyaya ng inuman. Ngayon ay tila isang libangan na lamang ito na nagpapasaya at nagpaparelax samin. Meron din siyempreng mga celebrations na tuwing naaalala ay nagpapangiti ng labi. Nandiyan din ang pagkakaroon ulit ng boyfriend nung second year na kung iisipin ko ngayon, nasasayangan ako. Kaya naman kase e. Kaso hindi lang inalagaan ng mas maigi. Bata pa nga kame. Ngunit hindi ko naman pinagsisisihan ito. Dahil sa sumunod na mga litrato, nakita ko na maayos naman ang naging buhay ko. Oo, napasaya ako nung panahong yon. Masaya din naman ako ngayon kahit alam kong may kulang. Ayos lang. Marami pang lugar para sa marami pang susunod na mga litrato.
At hindi lamang pangyayari ang marami. Marami ding mga bagay na natutunan sa loob ng dalawa't kalahating taon. Merong isang litrato na kung saan putol sa binti ang mga kinukuhanan. Hindi yon tama sa rule ng photography. At natutunan namin iyon sa pagtakbo ng panahon. Natuto na rin ako sa mga naging pagkakamali. Marami akong nagawang pagkakamali. Natuto naman ako. Isa sa mga iyon ay ang pairalin din ang utak kasabay ng puso bago gumawa ng desisyon. Madalas, nakakatulong ito para hindi masaktan, para hindi maagrabyado. Natuto din akong tumayo sa sarili kong paa. Dati'y hindi ako marunong magcommute. Ngayon ay nakakapag-taxi akong mag-isa. Nakakapag-bus na din ako pauwi sa probinsya. At marunong na din akong mag-LRT mag-isa.
Masaya ang buhay dito sa Maynila. Oo, iba ito sa buhay sa probinsya. Pareho namang masaya e. Magkaiba nga lang ng rason. At totoong mabilis ang oras dito. Pero sa totoo lang, hindi naman dapat ito hinahabol e. Hindi naman yata ito kailanman hinabol. Ang mga bagay ay sadyang mangyayari kung dapat silang mangyari.
Marami pa akong lugar para sa mga bagong litrato. Gusto ko na itong punan. At gagawin ko iyon. Masaya ako. Oo, masaya ako. :) |
posted by Carmela @ 9:59:00 PM  |
|
|
|
| Thursday, September 24, 2009 |
| Pili ka. |
| Naglakad ako sa may kahabaan ng lugar na hindi ko lubos na alam. May gusto akong puntahan pero bago lang ako rito, hindi pa gaanong sanay.Hindi pa ako pamilyar sa mga pwedeng puntahan o sa mga shortcuts para madali akong makarating sa gusto kong marating.
May nakita akong likuan. San kaya ito patungo? Hindi ko alam. Maraming tao ang nasa paligid. Pwede akong magtanong pero ayaw ko. Para bang gusto kong bigyan ng leksyon ang sarili ko. Gusto kong matuto sa sarili kong pagsisikap.
Oo, isang malaking pagbabakasakali ito. Pwede akong maligaw lalo, pwede akong mapahamak, pwede akong mapalayo sa gusto kong puntahan. Pero kasabay ng mga negatibong ideyang ito ay ang posibilidad ring pwede akong makarating agad sa gusto kong puntahan, okaya ay pwedeng may kaibigan akong makasabay, o pwede ring marami akong matutunan sa pagpunta ko doon.
Ganyan ang buhay. Sa bawat desisyon, may laging pwedeng pagpilian. Oo o hinde? Itim o puti? Meron o wala? Lagi yan. Hindi pwedeng wala, nandiyan na agad. Dapat pag-isipan, dapat bigyan ng pansing ang mga pipiliin.
Parang ngayon. Pwede akong tumigil na lang at wag nang tumuloy. Pwede rin akong lumiko dito, okaya doon. Pwede ring bumalik ako sa dating lugar na mas alam ko. Pero ano nga bang gagawin ko?
Tulad ng sabi ko, dapat itong pag-isipan. Walang masama kung magpahinga muna sa paglalakad. Isip muna..at marahil pwede ring gumamit ng puso, kahit papaano lang. |
| posted by Carmela @ 8:00:00 PM |
|
|
|
| Sunday, September 6, 2009 |
| Some randoms..not? |
Life is not long, and too much of it must not pass in idle deliberation on how it shall be spent.
- Samuel Johnson
Lately, I've been thinking too much. I'm psychologically and physically tired.
Well, it's not a surprise that school is killing me. Not just me, but a lot of students! I always have an issue with time. I want more time. You know that half-meant joke where one wishes to have a 25/8 week? I am one of the people who say that now. Geez.
I find it hard to squeeze all the things I need to do in just a short time. And then I have to go home at least once a week. Hindi pwedeng hinde. Well, I can. It's just that my Mom would be so nagging about it. She's not used to this yet - this me not going home. And of course, I also want to go home. I miss home. So much. But sometimes, I find it hard to leave things behind. I find it hard not to stay connected to the work I left in Manila..which makes me feel frustrated sometimes. I cannot rest, like rest talaga. Because I have a lot of things in mind..all those things that need to be done. I sometimes become guilty for resting!
True enough, how I live my life now is okay. I can see that I am being productive. I am able to finish things. Although I feel super duper exhausted, I'm fine...or at least I try to be. I just keep in mind that it's going to be rest time in a few weeks. O sembreak, I can't wait!
Despite the fact that I am mega busy with school, I could not deny the fact that there are still idle moments in my life. You know, those times when you're doing your work and suddenly you stop and then think. Well, this idle moment happens to me often when I am in the bus. I tend to think about things..how I'm going to live my life..where I'm going to go..what I'm going to be.
How am I going to live my life? Where am I going to go? What am I going to be?
I find no answer despite the bugging questions of my thoughts. My heart beats for many things! I love where I am. I love CA. O I love it more than any course I can ever have! But I am so hating this moment in my relationship with my course (okay, I cannot fully grasp what word to use instead of relationship, so just try to understand). I am doubting. I am doubting if I still want to be here, if I still like this to be my life. I hate it. I hate it because I know deep inside my heart and my mind, this is what I want. It bothers me now. I feel frustrated for feeling this. Maybe this was brought by the exhaustion from school works and all. But I hope it fades soon. This is what I want. But I'm really not feeling that now. And this makes me sad. This makes me confuse!
I feel like there are two paths for me. I have one smooth sailing path - CA. And then I have this rough one too! Both of these do not have a clear end point. Of course, nothing is really definite in this life. However, one thing's for sure. I am going to and I will finish CA before doing something else. This is not a bad decision, and I believe it is right. Well, I just hope I gain my feelings towards it back. Maybe I just need to rest for a while, eh?
Life is not long, and too much of it must not pass in idle deliberation on how it shall be spent. But I always find myself thinking. I used to be so spontaneous. I do not plan ahead. I do not think too much of the future. I just live life to how I feel will make me happy. I am just a happy-go-lucky little girl. Yes, I used to be just a little girl..I've grown up. Haven't I?
|
| posted by Carmela @ 9:59:00 PM |
|
|
|
| Friday, September 4, 2009 |
| Happy? |
Life is all about making the right choices. Decision are hard to deal with especially is you have all the very good choice laid in front of you. But at the end, how will you know that you made the right choice?
Is it because it will make you happy, that you have all your heart in it? Or is it because it will gain you fame, or money, or power? Would you know that you made the right choice after you've done it? What if after a while of choosing it and being happy about it, you suddenly realize that you're not happy anymore? What you you realize that you want something else?
Basically, it's a general question. May it be in love, or in career, or in life in general.
You see, you may have let go of a person that you thought you do not want in your life anymore. While doing it, and at least for the next few months after it, you may have felt satisfied, contented. What if along the way, you realize that you still want the person? What if you realize that you still want to spend the rest of your life with that same person you thought you wanted to let go? What would you do? Would you get him back? Or would you just ignore the feeling and accept the fact that the once right choice you thought is now a wrong one? And then there's the question of, will it make you happy then?
It may also be a matter of choosing someone. Yes, for that moment and the next couple of months, you will feel happy. You will be joyed. But what if one day, you wake up and realize that you're not happy anymore? What if one day you feel that you want someone else? What if one day you realize that you want the person you were once with to be with you again? Would you choose the person you are with right now? Or would you choose to go back? But again, will your decision make you happy?
What will you do when one day, you wake up and you feel tired already. Tired of what used to make you happy? What will you do if the job you once dreamed of now makes you struggle so hard? What will you do if you're not satisfied anymore, not contented of what you have and where you are anymore? What will you do when suddenly you realize, YOU DO NOT WANT ANY OF THIS ANYMORE?
See, there's always a place for doubt. A place for questioning what you once thought as a firm decision. It is but true that change is the only constant thing in the world. So what would you do if one day, the beat of your heart suddenly changes?
|
| posted by Carmela @ 6:15:00 PM |
|
|
|
| Thursday, August 27, 2009 |
| Teka lang. Okay? (a rant) |
Time is running way too fast. Sana pwede kong sabihing 'Teka lang. Okay?'
I don't know if I should be glad because I can see and I can feel that my life is moving, that it's not stagnant, or should I worry because I seem to forget that this is JUST A PART of my life, that I have other things to pour my attention to.
Minsan, napapaisip ako. Is this a training of what my life would be in the future? Lahat na lang hinahabol kase laging kulang sa oras. Lahat ng lang minamadali kase baka di umabot sa deadline? Lahat na lang tumatakbo, kase alam kong hindi titigil ang oras at ang mundo para saken. Mahirap isipin. Masaya naman kasi ako e. Yun nga lang, nakakainis yung at the end of the day, mapapaisip ako at marerealize ko that I haven't got a hold of my life as a whole.
Sabi ko nga kay Vince kanina, gusto ko ang buhay ko ngayon. Ito ang gusto ko. Pero natatakot ako. Kasi masyado siyang mabilis. Hindi ako makahinto kahit saglit lang. Minsan nakakalimutan ko na nga ang essence kung bakit ko pa ginagawa ang mga ginagawa ko.
No, I'm not complaining. Alam ko naman kasing mangyayari toh. Nagrarant lang ako. Kase, there's nothing more to do. Buhay ko na toh. Ngayon, at pwedeng bukas din. Mahirap siguro ngayon. Pero masasanay din siguro ako.
Masaya ako sa ginagawa ko. Walang tanong jan. Yun nga lang, pano na yung ibang aspeto ng buhay ko? Pano ako gagalaw sa mundong limitado ng oras? Sana talaga pwede kong sabihing Teka lang. Okay?
|
| posted by Carmela @ 7:44:00 PM |
|
|
|
| Sunday, August 16, 2009 |
| Who is she? |
He looked at her from afar while she was busy working with her painting. She's beautiful, probably the most beautiful thing in his eyes. An artist of a kind, a great person, a wonderful friend; that's her. Is she perfect? No, she's not. But that's what makes her human, that's what makes her less of a dream and more of a reality. He doesn't need another dream, he doesn't need another doll. He needs her, the imperfect her.
He went back to what he was reading. He held a book in his hand, with a pen and a paper beside him. He needed all the possible motivations he can have so he can write, so he can create another story to satisfy entertainment demands.
He opened the book to the last page he was reading. He was halfway through it. It's been months since he started reading the book but he could not possibly give time to just sit and read. He glanced at her again. She's still there. She's so beautiful in his eyes. She looked more like an angel than human. She moved her hands so gracefully and every move of it simply created art. It was as if she heard what he was thinking in his mind, she glanced at his direction and suddenly gave a smile. He smiled back, and then went back to what he was reading.
He's been there for hours. But wait, why was he there again? Suddenly, he forgot why he needed to be there. O yes, wait a minute. He remembered. He was there so he can write, so he can finally write a story again, and yes, he was there so he can stare at her while she painted, so he can look at her beautiful eyes, and if luck permits, so he can have a share of that wonderful smile that he's always been caught to.
He started reading the first paragraph of the page which he was reading. He was reading but he could not understand a word. His mind was too preoccupied with matters that issued his heart. Why is he there until that time? Is it not time to go yet?
He looked at her again. He could not possibly find a reason to get bored or to be tired of what he was looking at. Sweat was all over her body. O if he could just give her a towel, or better, if he could just wipe her sweat. She used her hands to clear her face and her forehead. Is she tired? Of course she is. It's been hours too since she started painting.
He held his book closer. Wait, will he still continue reading the book? He could not understand what he was reading anymore. Will he still try to comprehend even though he knows that it is just her who will enter his mind freely?
Another glance, another smile. 'Why can't she just stop doing that?', he said to himself.
He stood from where he was sitting. He placed the book while he packed her things. But wait, before he packed everything up, he tried to write a story. Maybe a story about? No, maybe about them? He was confused. He doesn't have the ideas he needs. Will he still write?
He thought for a while. Why was he there again? Was it to write? O yes, of course. And so that he can stare at her, fall under whatever spell she had to him. He got the book from the table. He smiled and he read the last sentence of the paragraph.
He realized that he did not need any motivation after all. He can write another story. He can write about her, or them. But then again, maybe, he can write about others as well. She's beautiful, she's lovely with a face of an angel. But he can't be like that forever. He needs to do something and not just simply sit there and read a book. He fixed his things and fixed his table. While so, he saw her moving her things as well, packing up too, maybe. This is it, it's his chance.
Just when he was about to offer her a hand, the man behind him stood up and went to her direction. She looked at the man and she smiled. He gave her a peck and a hug, and then he helped her pack her things up.
It's been months since he started going there. It's been months since he started sitting there for hours. Yes, it's been months since he first saw her. Was she smiling at him a while ago? No, he wasn't. She doesn't even know him. She doesn't even know his name at all.
He walked towards her and had the courage to finally talk to her and ask what her name is. But the man behind him took her hand and they went away. Missed chance? Maybe. After all, he doesn't need her name.
He took the book he was holding a little while ago. He looked at it as if it were something precious. 'It's a nice book', he said. But he wanted to start to walk away already.
So from where he was standing, he gave a final book at what was in his hands and said. He let out a sigh and smiled. He closed it. Finally, he closed it.
|
| posted by Carmela @ 9:15:00 PM |
|
|
|
| Friday, August 14, 2009 |
| It's not about the food, it's about the time spent. |
I'm in Pampanga right now. I just arrived like an hour ago or so. In about 6-7 hours, I'll be leaving for Manila again. So why else did I go home right?
I went home because I miss my dad. Well, if you're my friend, you would know that my dad works in Cebu and he goes home every 2 weeks. And as for me, I go home on Thursdays and Fridays which I do not follow lately because of too much work to do. So I haven't seen my dad for more than a month now. I miss him terribly. I feel like I'm being distant from him. I'm his baby girl and I'm a self-confessed daddy's girl. I do not like the feeling of being distant from my dad.
So, even though I am so tired, and even though it's already late, I went home today so that at least, we can have dinner together, with the whole family of course. That's what I was expecting. I miss all of them.I haven't been with them for so long now because although I go home every week, I'm still preoccupied. I was hoping we can all sit together and just talk. You know, that simple meal where all of us are there and conversing, updating and all. I miss that. I miss how we can all laugh together. I miss them.
I feel sad because it didn't happen. Yes, I am home. All of us are home. But I was late for dinner. I had to eat dinner alone. And I hate being alone. People know that. I hate it when I feel that nobody is with me. I am not angry at them because I understand that they are as tired as I am. But well, I expected. I just wish we had time to sit all together and just talk. I hate eating alone. I hate that feeling. I could not even taste what I eat. I just swallow. I feel so sad. Really sad.
My life is too busy. While eating, I just kept telling myself that this is what I chose, and this is what I want. It made me go on, but it didn't make me feel better. Life is not good without any companion. And I truly believe in that. I always need someone to be with. I want someone to have by my side. And lately, I've been missing too many people. My dad, my mom, my sibs, the whole family, my best friend. Yes, and speaking of my best friend, we have this Thurday lunch date plan on the start of the sem which we still haven't started until now. I do not have time. And I am really sorry for that. See, it's a meal too that we planned. I miss her. I haven't talked to her like TALK to her for a while. I miss having someone with me in times like this. Yes, I know you know what I mean. Demmet.
It's not about eating the food, it's not about sitting there and finishing all at the same time. It's about spending time together. That's why I always find it special when I eat with someone. It's like giving him/her a time that we can spend together.
I feel bad.
I just wish I did not eat alone at home tonight.
|
| posted by Carmela @ 7:02:00 PM |
|
|
|
|
| "-'At any given moment in our lives, there are certain things that could've happened but did not'- By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept, Paulo Coelho |
| About Me |
|
Name: Carmela
Home: Angeles City, Regio iii, Philippines
About Me: i'm someone worth knowing. i love to express my thoughts so here i am. i'm only sixteen and i'll be a college freshie soon @ UST, going to take up AB-Communication Arts.
"i'm shallow enough to appreciate bits of life's pleasures"
See my complete profile
|
| Previous Post |
|
| Archives |
|
|
| warp to other pages |
|
| Powered by |
 |
|
